The other day, I came across some Youtube videos about asexuality, and it got me thinking... (Video 1, 2, 3) And then I watched Tyler Oakley's most recent video about the events that happened in Orlando... I started wondering what the Q in LGBTQ+ really means, like, I know it stands for queer, but what does "queer" actually mean?
Now, I went to trusty Google with this question, and some of the results that I found confused me. Some websites said it was basically a modern word for gay, lesbian, transgender etc, while others said that it was a word for politics (this is the part that I don't understand). But, after reading multiple websites, Ive come to the conclusion that at least in the acronym LGBTQ+, the Q is basically an umbrella term for everything else, an "other" section.
This "other" section doesn't get talked about very often, does it? The videos mentioned above on asexuality certainly doesn't get much attention. In fact, I've seen many people in Facebook comments, and other comments online saying that it doesn't even exist.
But it does!
Even less talked about is the term "demi-sexual." While I was looking for the definition of "queer" I came across some lists of "common LGBTQ terms" and their definitions (1, 2, 3). Only one of those mention that term.
Okay, so what is demi-sexual? Lemme tell you a thing... For many people, sexual orientation is just one thing; if he's gay, he's just gay, and if she's straight, she's just straight. But really, sexual orientation is a spectrum. It's okay if you feel like you can't be entirely defined by any of the terms that are currently out there, because everyone is different.
I feel like before I explain demi-sexuality, I should probably define asexuality. An asexual person is a person who does not feel sexual attraction towards other people. That is not to say they can't have sex, it's just that they don't want to, and don't feel the need to do it. Like I said before, sexual orientation is a spectrum, so different people can feel asexuality in different degrees. Some may have sex and be impartial to it, and others may never have sex because that's just not for them. A great analogy is presented in this video (the cake analogy is honestly the best thing ever).
Now, enter demi-sexuality, as I'm sure many of you can derive, demi-sexual people are kind of the "in-between" of sexual and asexual people. Demi-sexual: a sexual orientation in which the person will not feel any sort of sexual attraction with another person, unless there is a strong emotional bond, usually in a relationship (I'm sorry it took me so long to get to my main point :s)
For my entire life, I never understood why I didn't feel the same feelings that other people felt. I hated it when people put their arm around me, used me as an arm rest, put their head on my shoulders, gave me long hugs, held hands etc etc. But all the other people felt okay with it.
And even more than that, I didn't understand how friends with benefits worked, like it's mind-boggling to me how someone could have sex with someone else and not be in love with them. That just doesn't make sense to me, the same way it doesn't make sense to a straight person when they think about having sex with someone of their same gender.
For me, there are very few people that can stand very close to me/touch me without making me feel uncomfortable (the same way you'd feel weird if a stranger started invading your private space), and there are even less people in which I would feel comfortable having sex with. I felt very alone, in the world of "omg let's hookup" or "everybody's having sex, let's do it!"
Then, one day, I was scrolling on Tumblr (as you do), and I came across a text post that talked about demi-sexuality. Obviously, I don't have the link to the original post, as this was a long time ago, but as soon as I read it, it was like everything suddenly made sense. There are other people that feel the same way as I do!
Since then, I have been put in several situations in which I felt the need to explain my sexual orientation, and the usual response is just, "what's that?" or "you haven't tried hard enough." Like WTF, I think I know how I feel, thank you very much.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it kinda sucks to feel so alone in this. I don't even know another person who feels the same way I do. And it really doesn't help when the people I do try to explain it to don't even believe me.
I don't think I'm ever going to "come out" and make a Facebook post, or whatever, because that would just be too much explaining, so here I am, writing this post, so that I can link the individuals to it in the future, when I find myself in those situations again. (props to me being so lazy)
If you can relate with me, PLEASE tell me, oh my god, it would be such a relief to be able to actually talk to a real human being that is like me. As always, thanks for reading.
--J
PS. in no way am I trying to say that my life is so hard, so horrible, so difficult, or that I suffer more than anyone else, please don't think that. I know that other people have it much much worse, but I just want to tell a story that doesn't get heard often.
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